But, I didn’t know he’s married!

When I was the “other woman,” in a married man’s affair, I knew I was the other woman. In fact, I met his wife the same day. That’s not the case for every adulteress: there are men who conceal the fact that they’re married.

So what should you do if you didn’t know at first?

If you didn’t know, does it still mean he’s got to go?

Well, in a word: yes! Married is married, and whether you knew at first or not, he’s married. I recognize that it probably stings even more so, that he lied to you. You thought you were in a viable relationship — maybe even in a godly one with a man of faith and character.

So now what?

The best thing is to end it. Hear me out: the best thing for YOU is to end it. Yes, it’s also the best thing for her (his wife). But the emotional entrapment of adultery conceals its true colors just long enough.

And believe me, when they finally show themselves, those true colors aren’t pretty. Consider, too: no matter how much you “love,” him (this former “I love him” adulteress uses those quotes on purpose) — he lied to you.

That speaks volumes about his character…

…no matter how “reasonable” his reasons sound.

So what does it mean to “end it,” and how do you go about that?  I talk about that in my book Words from the Other Woman. And even though I’ve moved beyond my affair (and don’t regret ending it for a second), I remember.

I remember how it seemed to literally rip my heart apart.

I remember how I didn’t think I could walk away.

But I could — and I did. Repentance was the bridge to redemption, and there I reconnected with the strength of the Lord. Our sin drains us of our energy; our Savior restores our energy and strength through relationship with our Almighty Abba (Father).

Expect a sense of “withdrawal,” as though you were a drug addict gone “cold turkey”. Expect a tearing at your heart. Expect resistance. It can still the right direction, even when the wind blows against you. But there is power in the Lord to keep going, without going back.

Cut ties with the married guy, seek and build authentic community for support, and get caught up in God’s grace instead. Click here if you’d like to learn more about how I became the other woman — but then found redemption. 


This post was partly inspired by this week’s premiere of the new Other Woman movie, starring Cameron Diaz. Shelley and I recently talked about the film over at Undone Redone (link below). Please take time to listen to this powerful podcast, and share. 

Click here to listen to it now!