Now That I Know, Should I Confront Her?

Maybe you just found out he’s cheating.
Maybe you know now who the other woman is.
Maybe you’re the other woman, trying to clear your conscience.

Now that you know it’s an affair, should you confront her? 

That is one of the questions we (Shelley and Rebecca) have been asked most frequently. While pop culture suggests taking matters into vengeful hands, or having a knock-down-drag-out on national TV, we don’t agree. Both Shelley and Rebecca had very specific reasons for why they did, or did not, confront certain people.  Be sure to join this mailing list, for more information about the upcoming video series that will answer this question in more detail.

In the meantime, we recommend asking yourself these questions….

This biblical mandate (see Romans 12:18) doesn’t ask of us the impossible. It doesn’t ask us to play God or try to be God to anyone. It doesn’t ask us to be perfect. It reveals the ability we have to make powerful choices in our lives that, in doing so, increases our own peace so that we, in turn, can make a greater impact for good in our generation.

Whenever we’re riddled with guilt or bitterness or regret, we remain shackled in chains that have already been unlocked for us. But it has always been and will always be our choice to remain in those shackles or to cast them off and run in the freedom purchased us by the forgiveness of the God who forgave us long before we could have even begun to wonder how we could make things right with Him. He set things right. He initiated the forgiveness of all of our wrongs toward Him. And He is the One who makes us able to offer that kind of forgiveness to others, whether they realize they need it or not.

One final thought: whenever we see that a confrontation is necessary, it is vital that we take the time needed to examine our own hearts and motives first. The importance of this cannot be overstated, so please take the time to do this thoroughly by asking yourself and answering these questions:

1.      What is my motive in confronting this other person/group? If your answer reveals a desire for revenge, to put the other person in his/her place, or something of that flavor, please wait until your emotions have calmed down enough to handle the confrontation with respect for the other person.

2.      Am I ready to accept that the other person may not respond the way I would prefer? Take the time to release your expectations and desires to your heavenly Father. Going into the confrontation with an agenda can put both you and the other person on the defensive if/when things don’t go your way.

3.      Is this safe? Not to be melodramatic, but the truth is that some confrontations are unwise because the emotions involved can escalate in some situations putting one or both people at risk for harm—either verbally or physically. If it isn’t safe, don’t confront (or don’t go it alone). Common sense applies here. (As shared in detail in the above section.)

4.      What do I hope to gain? If you recognize that the importance is that your voice be heard, and not that the other person respond the way you desire, then you are probably ready to confront.

Remember … “the truth may be painful, but it should never be hurtful.” (James Eubanks) Check your motives, investigate your desires, evaluate your safety, and acknowledge your hopes before heading into a confrontation with another person or group. I believe these steps will help you to get your thoughts together for a respectful confrontation with just about anyone. (Just about!)

Go in peace.


Why Cant We Just Get AlongThis post is an excerpt from “Why Can’t We Just Get Along? Six Effective Skills for Dealing with Difficult People” written by Shelley Hendrix, Founder of Church 4 Chicks, and published by Harvest House Publishers. For more information on this book, along with a sneak peek and online ordering options, please visit:

This same excerpt was also featured on (click here to see it there).